And I always say this, but I am genuinely sorry for that. Normally I'd say that I don't know why I haven't posted in so long, but that would be a lie. I do know why I haven't posted recently. I have been depressed. I still am, but I'm feeling a lot better. A LOT HAS HAPPENED IN this time frame. Good things and not-so-great things. But isn't that what life is about? Most people can shake the ups and downs that life throws at us, but I struggle(d) with them. I hit rock bottom. I felt as though I didn't want to live anymore...that life wasn't worth living anymore. I wanted to give up. But I knew that I had to do something about it because I was having trouble just "shaking" this horrible feeling. I started seeing a therapist a few months ago and apparently, I have a lot of built-up feelings that I've suppressed over the years. She helped me to realize things that I hadn't before and has taught me how to speak my mind. Every time I go to her, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Because of our conflicting schedules, I haven't been able to see her in over a month. I reluctantly decided to start taking an antidepressant again. Don't judge me! I don't believe in self-medicating and even though it's only been a couple weeks, I see a dramatic improvement in myself. Part of that is because of the medicine, but there's a huge decision I've made recently. I'm getting ahead of myself, though. Allow me to back-track the past several months......
.....And in case you haven't figure it out, this will probably be a LOOOONNG post.........
Abigail had the surgery on her left ear drum the first week of August. She did well and recovered quickly. She was such a trooper! Her hearing has drastically improved since the surgery and doesn't have any more follow up appointments, unless she would have any problems.
I started my first semester back at Our Lady of Holy Cross since getting my associate's degree at the end of August. As I've previously mentioned, I was studying for my bachelor's in Radiologic Technology with a minor in English. I was taking two classes for the minor and one for the major. I had absolutely no down time whatsoever and that was wearing me down. I was still working as many hours as I could, I had class three days a week (with one day being over twelve hours!), I brought Abby to religion class once a week and dance class another day of the week, I was going to therapy once a week, I started going to school to study on Saturdays, and I go to church, do my grocery shopping, and play catch-up with my housework on Sunday. I'm wearing out just thinking about how much running around I was doing and how busy I stayed! Not to mention the usual daily household chores, cooking, taking care of Lola, AND trying to study and do my homework and help Abby with hers. I have to admit that it was nice having a set routine and knowing what was expected of me at all times, but it was very hard for me. I definitely learned a lot about myself, my work and study habits, and about my writing that semester. It was an adjustment because I'm not used to being criticized and I get my feelings hurt easily. It helped me to realize that I am a work in progress and I shouldn't constantly expect perfection from myself. I did okay for the semester. My GPA was a 3.00 for the semester, so that brought me down to a 3.27 overall GPA. I guess that's not too bad, but I was still disappointed in myself. I got an A in my American Literature class (I had to take two of them), a B in my Anatomy and Physiology class (I have NO idea how I pulled that off!), and a C in the first part of my British Literature class. The BL class was the one I was the most disappointed with, mainly because I love literature and writing so much and I've never EVER had anything below a B in my English classes. It taught me that my writing isn't as wonderful as I thought it was and I have a lot to learn. But having a lot to learn is a good thing, right?
Wrestlemania 30 is coming to New Orleans! I'm so excited! In the recent years, I've become a pretty big wrestling fan. Yes, I know it's fake. It's entertainment. I like it a lot more than what's on television nowadays. Anyways...the day the tickets went on sale, I made sure I got two. So....I'm going to Wrestlemania!!!!!! It's on a Sunday night so that kinda sucks, but I *plan* on taking the Monday afterwards off. I thought about getting a ticket for Abby as well, but with that being a school night and right around the time of state testing, I don't want her to miss any school. It'll be just me and E going. I feel as giddy as a kid in a candy store!
My ten year high school reunion was in late October. In a nutshell, I had the time of my life! I sure didn't feel too good the next day, but it was great to hang out with some of the people I was close to in high school. I was slightly disappointed that a lot of the people we were close to didn't show up. I really looked forward to them coming, but they all had some excuse as to why they couldn't come. I also learned that time doesn't change people..in good ways and bad ways. Some people were just as nice and looked exactly the same. Some of them.....well, God works in mysterious ways and things have a funny way of working out. Let's just say that some of the women didn't look as perfect as they portrayed themselves to be, and it just so happened to be all the ones who acted like they were better than everybody else. But I digress. It didn't matter--I had my bestie with me! I can't tell you enough how much I love this woman!
This is the night, in a nutshell
Melanie and I
Melanie and me with our friends Nicole and Stephanie
My brother Kenny (who I've mentioned before has autism) took a step that no one in the family ever imagined that he'd be able to. He made his confirmation. Yes, my brother is now a confirmed Catholic! I don't know of anyone who is more of an example of Jesus and how we should live our lives. Kenny was given the opportunity to participate in a parish church event just like other people and didn't need any different accommodations. We are all so proud of him! The best parts about it were that number one, Father Billy asked ME to be Kenny's sponsor and number two, Kenny got to meet Archbishop Aymond! He stayed with an ear-to-ear grin on his face the entire time! I truly believe this was something that he wanted to do!
Father Billy, Kenny, and Deacon Matthew
Archbishop Aymond and Kenny
The rest of the year was hard, to say the least. After a lot of interrogation, I revealed to E that I had almost eight thousand dollars in credit card debt. I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I had kept it hidden for about four years and at one time, I had a grip on the debt. I had actually paid off all the credit cards at some point. But little by little I kept charging on them and before I knew it, they all had outstanding balances and I could barely afford the minimum payment on all of them. With E and my mom's help, I got a debt consolidation loan and paid them all off. When I got my income tax return in February, I paid the loan off in full. I don't know what to say about myself except that it was a hard lesson learned and that I shouldn't supplement feeling bad with shopping and purchasing things that are out of my price range simply because I want something. I'm aggravated with myself because all the money I spent paying off credit cards could've been used to pay off my car or get E a new vehicle, or SOMETHING.
And so commences 2014. The year started off well. I started another semester of school (and by far the hardest one). A couple weeks before classes began, I got a head start on all the readings so I'd be somewhat on par with the course work. I scheduled the second part of the Anatomy and Physiology class, the second part of my British Literature class, and the first part of my Physics class. I know I was going to be stressed from the get go with the Physics class because I have absolutely no experience with that whatsoever. I didn't realize how quickly I was going to feel overwhelmed. The more I studied, the more confused I got. I'd get help from other classmates and the teacher and that didn't help. And it was the same thing with my A&P class. The highest grade I've gotten in my A&P class was a C. NOT GOOD. I spent so much time studying that I was neglecting myself and other things. I STAYED STRESSED OUT. All the while, I could feel myself getting more and more involved and excited about my British Literature class. The more we read and get into it, the more consumed I've become. This just kept building up and building up.
Which leads me to the major decision I've come to about school and my future career........
I've done a LOT of soul searching lately. The phrase "a lot" doesn't even justify what I've been doing lately. I've talked to my A&P and Physics teacher and explained to them that I AM trying really hard, not just playing around and not taking my classes seriously. They seemed as though they were understanding and compassionate towards my situation. My Physics teacher has made remarks not specifically to me, but I have a feeling they were directed towards me that weren't so nice. I got one of the lowest grades in the class on the test and he mentioned something about he can see who's trying and who's not and who does the assignments. That really bothered me, especially since I had spoken to him a couple of days before the test. Then things just kept getting harder and harder in A&P. I know none of the classes I'm taking are easy, but there's a line that I had to draw. I felt as though I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I couldn't sleep at night and when I did, all I could think about was school. I was waking up two and three times a night thinking about school work. Sometimes I'd get up and try to do more schoolwork, hoping that somehow it would all click and I'd finally understand everything I was studying. No such luck. But the one thing that did make my happy besides my family and my friends...was literature. Reading, writing, you name it. That became my muse. My A&P teacher even asked me one day while I was talking to her if I ever thought about the fact that maybe the medical field wasn't meant for me.
WHAT?
I'd never thought about it before then, but maybe she was right. Was I forcing myself to get into a field that I really didn't want to simply because of the money? Was I pursing a career that I thought everybody else wanted for me?
YES. YES, I WAS. I felt horrible about myself. I'm spending all this money to go to college and FOR WHAT? For a career that I'll eventually hate? For a field that I may NEVER get accepted into? I knew I had to talk to my family about this because whatever decision I make affects them. My mom called me right as I was thinking of calling her (which always seems to happen!). She said she'd noticed that I seemed depressed, stressed out, and she knew something was wrong. So I explained to her how I felt about school and she asked me the same thing my A&P teacher asked me. Why couldn't I see this for myself? Why did it take others bringing it to my attention before I did something. After a long talk, I heard what I needed to hear from her...that no matter what career choice I made, she'd support my decision. WHAT A HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF! I talked to E that same evening and another huge weight was lifted off my shoulders when he told me he'd support any decision I make. I felt happier and more relieved than I'd felt in several months! My decision is made...
I'm an English major now. And no, I don't plan on teaching.
I've always had a passion for literature and writing. My absolute dream would be to work for a radio station as a personality or as a news reporter for one of our local stations. But I'd be happy working in anything that relates to journalism and/or the communications field. I did a lot of writing in high school and still do a lot for my job. The more I think about it, the happier I am. I can tell you for the first time IN A LONG TIME, things feel like they are falling in place and I'm going where I want to in life and not where I think others want me to go.
So that's about it. That's been my life these past several months. It may not seem hectic, but I assure you, I'm always busy! Especially lately! My school's literary magazine is going to be published soon and I've been working on submissions for it. I have a few scholarships that I'm trying to apply for that require some writing and personal essays (hey--anything to help pay for school and that's less that comes out of my pocket!). I just finished one paper for my BL class and I'm in the process of reading up on ideas for the second one. I'm also working on my schedule for next semester as well. I plan on taking twelve hours, and I've only done that ONCE since I've returned to school (and if you remember, that's the semester that I got a 4.0). I'm not expecting anything NEAR that. I hope to post again in the next week or so and update y'all again.
A quote I'd like to share from John Keats's poem "Ode on a Grecian Urn":
'"Beauty is truth, truth beauty"-that is all / Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.'
Until next time!
Alane
