I TRULY DESPISE FATHER'S DAY.
Granted, Emmett is a great dad to Abigail. He also has a pretty cool dad. I, myself, have a "new daddy" who goes above and beyond to make an ass of himself to give someone else a laugh. Not to mention, there ARE great dads out there who go the extra mile for their families. But I can't help myself... I feel angry, jealous, and hostile towards those families because of that. Both of my grandfathers died before I was born. And I'm (unfortunately) not very close to either side of my mom's and dad's family.
My dad was a shitty dad. Blunt, I know. It is what it is though. He didn't work hard. He did what he had to do to barely make it by. He didn't try to better himself. He was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive towards my mom, my siblings, and me. He made broken promises. He was self-centered. He was a drunk. He put us down when we were up. He kicked us when we were down. He was a man pig who thought that a woman's place was in the home and not in the workplace. He didn't encourage us to better ourselves. He thought he was better than everyone. He wasn't the dad that my siblings and I deserved. And for that, I have trouble respecting and forgiving him.
He died suddenly in 2003 from heart disease and cirrhosis of the liver about a month after I started college. I'm not gonna lie--it was traumatic, confusing, and hurtful. I was 18 years old and had just lost a parent. This man, who made our family completely dependent on him, wasn't alive anymore and left us all in shock. My poor mom saw him right before he passed. She was a wreck for the longest time. She couldn't eat, sleep, and could barely function. I stepped up... I cooked, cleaned, took care of my brother and sister, and helped to make sure the bills got paid. As hard as it was going through it all... his death seemed like a huge weight was lifted off our shoulders. NO ONE could intimidate us, hurt us, or hold us down any longer. But it was frightening at the same time. We had to learn to make decisions for ourselves.
I get angry, frustrated, and sad at the same time around Father's Day. I resent the fact that my dad wasn't a better dad and that everyone else seems so happy and appreciative of their fathers. I'M NOT. And as much of an ass as my dad was, I still wish he would've been a better dad. I think deep down, he did love us, but was mentally and physically ill and that prevented him from showing us that he loved us. He's been dead for going on ten years now. I know I should let the past go, forgive him, let him be dead peacefully, and just talk about the good that he did. But that's just it--I DON'T SEE the good he did. All I know is how bad he hurt us. Maybe I should forgive... one thing I won't do is forget.
So go ahead and appreciate your fathers. Deep down, I am happy that you have that. Forgive me if I seem hostile and laugh at me if you wish; tell me I'm having daddy issues. I'll live. I'm learning to appreciate the men that are in my life. Just give me time.
Alane
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