Yesterday, I took Abigail to Children's Hospital for an appointment with her ear, nose, & throat doctor.
I'll give you some background as to why we were there... as a toddler, she had tubes put in her ears. She complained of pain in her ear from time to time, but I hadn't gave it much thought. I noticed, however, that she seemed to have trouble hearing. I casually mentioned this to her pediatrician and that's when she showed me how large the hole in her ear drum was, most likely from when her tubes fell out and it didn't heal. Last year, she had surgery to repair a large hole in her left ear drum. The doctor did warn me that the hole was so large (it was 80% of her ear drum) that I shouldn't be surprised if the surgery has to be done again to fix it. That's why we were at Children's yesterday.
She does have to have the surgery again. The hole is nowhere near as large as it was last year, but it's big enough that it will cause problems if something isn't done. They did a hearing test on her and while she still does have some hearing loss, it is a huge improvement from last year. This time around though, it will be a quicker healing process and recovery period. It just depends on how SHE feels afterwards.
I knew to expect this to happen again. No one wants to see his or her child go through surgery, no matter how minor, simple, or uncomplicated it may be. Sure, it is for the doctor, but I truly feel it's never easy for the parents. For me, it's knowing that she will be in pain and will be scared and I won't be there to comfort her. I know as soon as she's in recovery they will let me see her. But for that short period of time that's after surgery but before they allow the parents in, I know she's terrified. She knows she's having surgery. But she's scared. And she will be surrounded by strangers. She will scream, cry, and wonder why her mom isn't there. I'll explain to her why they don't let parents in right away, but it's not reassuring. For her OR for me.
When she had the surgery last year, she cried for a solid hour. She was terrified. I can't think of any other way to describe it. All she could do was scream, "Mommy! My ear hurts!". It felt as though no matter what I did, NOTHING comforted her. Ms. Julie (Emmett's mom) came with me that day and THANK GOD SHE DID. Abigail was crying. I was crying because she was crying. The nurses told me that it was the anesthesia that was making her upset. I think that may have been part of the problem, but I knew it was more than that. Ms. Julie told me to walk downstairs and grab a couple drinks. I didn't want to leave my baby--not while she was as hysterical as she was. Reluctantly, I did. I came back to see a completely different child. She was smiling, happy, and drawing in her coloring book. I was stumped. What in the hell happened? Ms. Julie told me that as soon as I walked out of the room, Abigail was fine. I don't even know how to explain it... and I felt even worse. Was I the reason she was crying so much? I asked Abigail a couple days later why she had cried so much, whether it was because she was in pain or she was scared and you know what she told me? She didn't even remember crying at all. To this day, I'm baffled by it.
On to yesterday's visit...
Dr. J (that's what they all call her for short) did an excellent job at reassuring Abigail that everything was going to be okay and that she was going to take excellent care of her. This doctor and her staff are remarkable. They are so soft-spoken, empathetic, and caring. I did everything I could to reassure her everything was going to be okay. She asked the doctor the most heart-wrenching thing she's every asked anybody, "Why do I have so many things wrong with me? I mean, I have this stupid birthmark that made me sick a lot when I was a baby. People ask me all the time what's wrong with me. And now I have to have a second surgery on my ear and all I know is that it hurts really bad and I'll have to take ear drops every day. They're so nasty and I hate how I can taste them."
I FROZE.
The doctor tried to reassure her that nothing was wrong with HER, and that many kids go through the same thing that she will be doing. I knew better. How many kids do YOU know that have been through chemotherapy TWICE? I know I don't know many. How many kids get picked on because of the way their bodies look?
I still don't know what to think or say. On the ride home, I talked to her and tried to figure out why she feels the way she does. You know what she told me? "You just wouldn't understand, Mom." I sure would try to, but she's right. I've been there every step of the way with her, but I haven't been the one to actually go through it all. It hurts because I feel like I'm not doing my job as a mom to comfort her...to protect her...to reassure her...to make sure everything's alright. But then I have to pull myself together and realize also, that I can't be with her every single moment of every single day. I can't be in control of her life all the time. AND I HATE IT.
I found something she drew after her surgery; it was a little girl saying I HATE MY MOM. I never asked her about it; one, because it broke my heart, and two, because I know it's okay for her to be angry at me from time to time and to have a healthy way of expressing the anger. Deep down, I think it was because I was the one to take her to the doctor and to the hospital. I was the one who signed the papers for her to have the surgery. She felt as though I was the one putting her through this.
For some people, all they need is a hug and a kiss to make them feel better. When it comes to my baby girl, it hurts that a hug and kiss sometimes just isn't enough. I was grateful I took the day off yesterday and spent it with her. I took her for ice cream and we went swimming after the appointment yesterday and her smile was priceless. It's not often I have the opportunity to have quality time with her like yesterday. It was great for a moment to forget about everything and to be grateful to have each other. I'm still stunned, sad, and frustrated at the fact that my baby feels the way she does. Even if they might not help, she will get all the hugs and kisses this mommy can possibly give her.
It's amazing how you can read something and it will hit you so hard... as if you couldn't have said it better yourself.
Alane
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