Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.

Good ol' Ben Franklin!

You'll see I've done some layout changes because CHANGE IS GOOD.  I've finally been able to sit down and do a complete update!  I've been super busy (as usual) but I've honestly been trying to take time out to do a little bit for myself. As hectic as everything has been, I really wouldn't want it any other way.

Time to backtrack a little (which I wouldn't have to do if I would update more frequently). Remember I mentioned that my college's literary magazine was getting ready to come out? Well, it has and a couple of my short stories got published! I had submitted some haikus as well that didn't get published, but I was okay with that. I'm happy that my longer works were the ones chosen, anyway. They have a more profound meaning.



I ended up not being able to submit anything for my scholarships. It turns out I wasn't eligible for them. :( So I was slightly disappointed about that. Oh well--other opportunities will arise. I'm trying to convince myself that there was probably a reason for it.

Wrestlemania 30 was AWESOME! I've been to several WWE shows, but there's a reason why Wrestlemania is called the grandest stage of them all. No words can truly explain how cool the entire experience was! I was saddened to learn that just two days after seeing him at Wrestlemania and the Hall of Fame Ceremony, the Ultimate Warrior passed away. He gave a wonderful and emotional speech at the HOF ceremony...who knew that would have been one of his last?  And not to mention....THE UNDERTAKER'S STREAK WAS BROKEN.  WHAT THE HELL?  I really don't know what to say besides that!




A group of my friends and I got together and held a mini high school reunion the night before Easter.  We went to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner.  We laughed, reminisced about the old days, and had a wonderful time.  Makes me remember why we were good friends in the first place.  Everybody didn't make it.  Hopefully next time around when we do plan something, everybody can make it.  It's not a "clique reunion" if the whole clique isn't there!



The past couple months have been an emotionally packed time for me. All good, I promise! Abigail made her First Reconciliation and First Communion a few weeks ago. I cried like a baby. I don't know what it is, but it seems as if she's growing up all of a sudden.





I was also very sad to learn that the director of religious education at my church (who also happened to be one of my religion teachers at OLHCC), Ms. Harbison, will be leaving in a month for another job. On top of that, Father Billy is being moved to a different church. I will be a mess when they both leave. I've heard wonderful things about the new priest who's coming, but OLPH won't be the same without these great people. In fact, Ms. Harbison helped restore my faith in God and convinced me to start going back to church. I'm so thankful for her because my life has been so much better since I've been going to church. The messages that the church give seem to a come exactly when I need to hear them. Father Billy is a huge reason I went back to church as well. He truly is a wonderful man and if I could've hand-picked a priest for our church, I'd pick him over and over again. He is such an inspiration for my family. Because of him, my brother was able to receive the sacrament of Confirmation. I'm eternally grateful he was put in my life because spiritually, I'd be lost.

I got inducted into Alpha Xi Nu, OLHCC's chapter of Sigma Tau Delta, the International English Honor Society on May 2! This was such an honor! At OLHCC, all majors are invited to join if their overall and English GPA are above a 3.0. Also, there needs to be one or two upper level English classes taken. I'm very proud of myself! This seems to seal the fact that I am, indeed, an English major and most importantly, I BELONG. Which is what I've wanted all along. There was a lovely dinner to go along with the induction and presentation of honor cords for the graduates.




The end of the semester came at such a busy time for me! I had so many things going on AND on top of that, my laptop broke. It has a habit of not working when I need it to, but it's done for good now. So I have to get a new computer before the beginning of next semester. :(

I'm happy to say that I got a B in my British Literature II class. I worked very hard for that grade and I'm very proud of myself. There are some kinks that I have to learn to work out, but overall, I've learned so much in that class! It helps that there is such a strong bond among most of the English majors in the class. It's not often a day goes by that we don't speak with each other. I consider them great friends. Each one is an inspiration to me and I'm glad I have the opportunity to work with them.

Any time I have a glimmer of doubt in what I've chosen to do, I look to these wonderful people and realize I'm right where I belong.  Being an English major is the best decision I've made for my academic career.  I'm blessed to have such wonderful people on the same journey as I am.  The Literary Club had an end of the year dinner to celebrate all the hard work we've accomplished and to honor the graduates.  Even though none of our journeys are identical, we all relate to each other well.  It's such a wonderful feeling knowing you are where you're supposed to be in your life and around the people you are.  I am so content.



That about wraps up the past few months.  Since I'm done with school for the semester, I have a LITTLE bit more free time to do things around and about that I've wanted to do that's been put on hold.  I scheduled my classes for next semester and I'm anxiously waiting for school to start back!  I'm taking Painting I, Shakespeare I, Creative Writing, Advanced Grammar, and Writing Tutorial I: Newspaper.  This will be a full time semester for me, but I can't wait!  I'm finally taking a full semester of classes that I want to take, not have to.

One thing I pledge to do is to update once a week...okay, once every other week.  I really don't have an excuse as to why I shouldn't do that.  If I want to be discovered and help others with their journeys, then I need to do my part.  It's beneficial to me as well.  I'm able to get my feelings out and, most importantly, work on my writing skills.

There are a couple projects I'm thinking about doing, but I can't promise that I'll be able to commit to them.  I'm thinking about starting a fictional blog to prepare myself for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) in November.  I have many ideas floating around as to what I want to do, but nothing set in stone.

Another project, inspired by my friends and fellow English majors Jenna and Courtney, I would like to start doing weekly or biweekly YouTube videos.  I'm not sure what I would be doing videos on.  Courtney does book reviews and Jenna documents her writing experiences.  My main goal is to work on my oratorical skills.  I need to learn to better articulate my words, not repeat myself, and just SPIT OUT WHAT I WANT TO SAY!  For my college internship, I want to do something in journalism or in the communications field.  I need all the practice I can get and I figured this would be a good start.

On that note, I want to link to Jenna's and Courtney's YouTube accounts so you can get an idea as to what I'm considering.  This is Courtney's YouTube account and this is Jenna's YouTube account.  Please subscribe to their channels!

That's about it!  I hope all of you are having a good week!  See you (hopefully) next week!

Alane

A Quickie!

Hello all! I've been super busy lately and haven't had the chance to post. My laptop crashed right as I was getting ready to type my final paper for the semester. So I'm updating on my phone!  I just wanted to let you know that I haven't forgotten about updating! As soon as I get a chance, I'll give a long, detailed post about what's been going on. It's all good, I can assure you.

I'm a Bad Blogger!

It's been TOO LONG since I've last posted!

And I always say this, but I am genuinely sorry for that.  Normally I'd say that I don't know why I haven't posted in so long, but that would be a lie.  I do know why I haven't posted recently.  I have been depressed.  I still am, but I'm feeling a lot better.  A LOT HAS HAPPENED IN this time frame.  Good things and not-so-great things.  But isn't that what life is about?  Most people can shake the ups and downs that life throws at us, but I struggle(d) with them.  I hit rock bottom.  I felt as though I didn't want to live anymore...that life wasn't worth living anymore.  I wanted to give up.  But I knew that I had to do something about it because I was having trouble just "shaking" this horrible feeling.  I started seeing a therapist a few months ago and apparently, I have a lot of built-up feelings that I've suppressed over the years.  She helped me to realize things that I hadn't before and has taught me how to speak my mind.  Every time I go to her, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Because of our conflicting schedules, I haven't been able to see her in over a month.  I reluctantly decided to start taking an antidepressant again.  Don't judge me!  I don't believe in self-medicating and even though it's only been a couple weeks, I see a dramatic improvement in myself.  Part of that is because of the medicine, but there's a huge decision I've made recently.  I'm getting ahead of myself, though.  Allow me to back-track the past several months......

.....And in case you haven't figure it out, this will probably be a LOOOONNG post.........

Abigail had the surgery on her left ear drum the first week of August.  She did well and recovered quickly.  She was such a trooper!  Her hearing has drastically improved since the surgery and doesn't have any more follow up appointments, unless she would have any problems.

I started my first semester back at Our Lady of Holy Cross since getting my associate's degree at the end of August.  As I've previously mentioned, I was studying for my bachelor's in Radiologic Technology with a minor in English.  I was taking two classes for the minor and one for the major.  I had absolutely no down time whatsoever and that was wearing me down.  I was still working as many hours as I could, I had class three days a week (with one day being over twelve hours!), I brought Abby to religion class once a week and dance class another day of the week, I was going to therapy once a week, I started going to school to study on Saturdays, and I go to church, do my grocery shopping, and play catch-up with my housework on Sunday.  I'm wearing out just thinking about how much running around I was doing and how busy I stayed!  Not to mention the usual daily household chores, cooking, taking care of Lola, AND trying to study and do my homework and help Abby with hers. I have to admit that it was nice having a set routine and knowing what was expected of me at all times, but it was very hard for me.  I definitely learned a lot about myself, my work and study habits, and about my writing that semester.  It was an adjustment because I'm not used to being criticized and I get my feelings hurt easily.  It helped me to realize that I am a work in progress and I shouldn't constantly expect perfection from myself.  I did okay for the semester.  My GPA was a 3.00 for the semester, so that brought me down to a 3.27 overall GPA.  I guess that's not too bad, but I was still disappointed in myself.  I got an A in my American Literature class (I had to take two of them), a B in my Anatomy and Physiology class (I have NO idea how I pulled that off!), and a C in the first part of my British Literature class.  The BL class was the one I was the most disappointed with, mainly because I love literature and writing so much and I've never EVER had anything below a B in my English classes.  It taught me that my writing isn't as wonderful as I thought it was and I have a lot to learn.  But having a lot to learn is a good thing, right?

Wrestlemania 30 is coming to New Orleans!  I'm so excited!   In the recent years, I've become a pretty big wrestling fan.  Yes, I know it's fake.  It's entertainment.  I like it a lot more than what's on television nowadays.  Anyways...the day the tickets went on sale, I made sure I got two.  So....I'm going to Wrestlemania!!!!!!  It's on a Sunday night so that kinda sucks, but I *plan* on taking the Monday afterwards off.  I thought about getting a ticket for Abby as well, but with that being a school night and right around the time of state testing, I don't want her to miss any school.  It'll be just me and E going.  I feel as giddy as a kid in a candy store!

My ten year high school reunion was in late October.  In a nutshell, I had the time of my life!  I sure didn't feel too good the next day, but it was great to hang out with some of the people I was close to in high school.  I was slightly disappointed that a lot of the people we were close to didn't show up.  I really looked forward to them coming, but they all had some excuse as to why they couldn't come.  I also learned that time doesn't change people..in good ways and bad ways.  Some people were just as nice and looked exactly the same.  Some of them.....well, God works in mysterious ways and things have a funny way of working out.  Let's just say that some of the women didn't look as perfect as they portrayed themselves to be, and it just so happened to be all the ones who acted like they were better than everybody else.  But I digress.  It didn't matter--I had my bestie with me!  I can't tell you enough how much I love this woman!

This is the night, in a nutshell

 Melanie and I

 Melanie and me with our friends Nicole and Stephanie

My brother Kenny (who I've mentioned before has autism) took a step that no one in the family ever imagined that he'd be able to.  He made his confirmation.  Yes, my brother is now a confirmed Catholic!  I don't know of anyone who is more of an example of Jesus and how we should live our lives.  Kenny was given the opportunity to participate in a parish church event just like other people and didn't need any different accommodations.  We are all so proud of him!  The best parts about it were that number one, Father Billy asked ME to be Kenny's sponsor and number two, Kenny got to meet Archbishop Aymond!  He stayed with an ear-to-ear grin on his face the entire time!  I truly believe this was something that he wanted to do!

Father Billy, Kenny, and Deacon Matthew

 Archbishop Aymond and Kenny

The rest of the year was hard, to say the least.  After a lot of interrogation, I revealed to E that I had almost eight thousand dollars in credit card debt.  I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself.  I had kept it hidden for about four years and at one time, I had a grip on the debt.  I had actually paid off all the credit cards at some point.  But little by little I kept charging on them and before I knew it, they all had outstanding balances and I could barely afford the minimum payment on all of them.  With E and my mom's help, I got a debt consolidation loan and paid them all off.  When I got my income tax return in February, I paid the loan off in full.  I don't know what to say about myself except that it was a hard lesson learned and that I shouldn't supplement feeling bad with shopping and purchasing things that are out of my price range simply because I want something.  I'm aggravated with myself because all the money I spent paying off credit cards could've been used to pay off my car or get E a new vehicle, or SOMETHING. 

And so commences 2014.  The year started off well.  I started another semester of school (and by far the hardest one).  A couple weeks before classes began, I got a head start on all the readings so I'd be somewhat on par with the course work.  I scheduled the second part of the Anatomy and Physiology class, the second part of my British Literature class, and the first part of my Physics class.  I know I was going to be stressed from the get go with the Physics class because I have absolutely no experience with that whatsoever.  I didn't realize how quickly I was going to feel overwhelmed.  The more I studied, the more confused I got.  I'd get help from other classmates and the teacher and that didn't help.  And it was the same thing with my A&P class.  The highest grade I've gotten in my A&P class was a C.  NOT GOOD.  I spent so much time studying that I was neglecting myself and other things.  I STAYED STRESSED OUT.  All the while, I could feel myself getting more and more involved and excited about my British Literature class.  The more we read and get into it, the more consumed I've become.  This just kept building up and building up.

Which leads me to the major decision I've come to about school and my future career........

I've done a LOT of soul searching lately.  The phrase "a lot" doesn't even justify what I've been doing lately.  I've talked to my A&P and Physics teacher and explained to them that I AM trying really hard, not just playing around and not taking my classes seriously.  They seemed as though they were understanding and compassionate towards my situation.  My Physics teacher has made remarks not specifically to me, but I have a feeling they were directed towards me that weren't so nice.  I got one of the lowest grades in the class on the test and he mentioned something about he can see who's trying and who's not and who does the assignments.  That really bothered me, especially since I had spoken to him a couple of days before the test.  Then things just kept getting harder and harder in A&P.  I know none of the classes I'm taking are easy, but there's a line that I had to draw.  I felt as though I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  I couldn't sleep at night and when I did, all I could think about was school.  I was waking up two and three times a night thinking about school work.  Sometimes I'd get up and try to do more schoolwork, hoping that somehow it would all click and I'd finally understand everything I was studying.  No such luck.  But the one thing that did make my happy besides my family and my friends...was literature.  Reading, writing, you name it.  That became my muse.  My A&P teacher even asked me one day while I was talking to her if I ever thought about the fact that maybe the medical field wasn't meant for me.

WHAT?

I'd never thought about it before then, but maybe she was right.  Was I forcing myself to get into a field that I really didn't want to simply because of the money?  Was I pursing a career that I thought everybody else wanted for me?

YES.  YES, I WAS.  I felt horrible about myself.  I'm spending all this money to go to college and FOR WHAT?  For a career that I'll eventually hate?  For a field that I may NEVER get accepted into?  I knew I had to talk to my family about this because whatever decision I make affects them.  My mom called me right as I was thinking of calling her (which always seems to happen!).  She said she'd noticed that I seemed depressed, stressed out, and she knew something was wrong.  So I explained to her how I felt about school and she asked me the same thing my A&P teacher asked me.  Why couldn't I see this for myself?  Why did it take others bringing it to my attention before I did something.  After a long talk, I heard what I needed to hear from her...that no matter what career choice I made, she'd support my decision.  WHAT A HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF! I talked to E that same evening and another huge weight was lifted off my shoulders when he told me he'd support any decision I make.  I felt happier and more relieved than I'd felt in several months!  My decision is made...

I'm an English major now.  And no, I don't plan on teaching.

I've always had a passion for literature and writing.  My absolute dream would be to work for a radio station as a personality or as a news reporter for one of our local stations.  But I'd be happy working in anything that relates to journalism and/or the communications field.  I did a lot of writing in high school and still do a lot for my job.  The more I think about it, the happier I am.  I can tell you for the first time IN A LONG TIME, things feel like they are falling in place and I'm going where I want to in life and not where I think others want me to go.

So that's about it.  That's been my life these past several months.  It may not seem hectic, but I assure you, I'm always busy!  Especially lately!  My school's literary magazine is going to be published soon and I've been working on submissions for it.  I have a few scholarships that I'm trying to apply for that require some writing and personal essays (hey--anything to help pay for school and that's less that comes out of my pocket!).  I just finished one paper for my BL class and I'm in the process of reading up on ideas for the second one.  I'm also working on my schedule for next semester as well.  I plan on taking twelve hours, and I've only done that ONCE since I've returned to school (and if you remember, that's the semester that I got a 4.0).  I'm not expecting anything NEAR that.  I hope to post again in the next week or so and update y'all again.

A quote I'd like to share from John Keats's poem "Ode on a Grecian Urn":
'"Beauty is truth, truth beauty"-that is all / Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.'

Until next time!

Alane

Alane's Crawfish Monica

I had a very lazy Sunday and decided (well, owed--I'll tell you why later) to make some Crawfish Monica.  For those who don't know, that's basically a pasta with a crawfish and cream sauce.  My "new daddy", Steve, brought us a queen mattress on Wednesday that they were going to throw out.  In lieu of pay, I cooked for him.  The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach, after all!

This is the recipe that I've based my cooking on:
http://www.deepsouthdish.com/2010/03/crawfish-monica-copycat.html

This is my version of it...  I made a double batch for Steve and for E's family.

Can't have CM without the pasta.  I like to use the bowties because I think they're cute.  Most people use rotini.  I say use what you have.

For the double batch, I cooked about a pound and a half.  That was the perfect amount.  When I'm cooking just enough for E and I, I cook one pound and it's WAY too much.  If I had to guess I'd say use a half pound.


I chopped onions, green onions, mushrooms, garlic, and parsley.  I use A LOT.  Use to your liking.

 You don't see the garlic because I cheated and used the store bought minced garlic...

I melted some butter...

 ...and added the onions, green onions, and mushrooms and let them saute for about five minutes.

I added the garlic...

 ...and the parsley...

...and now have what some people call a mirepoix, but with mushrooms.

  By this time, the kitchen is REALLY smelling good!







Next, I add the half and half.  I used about a quart and a half.

 

I added a little bit of sour cream and cream cheese.  You have to be careful not to add too much sour cream because then the texture of the monica sauce becomes curdled-looking.  I used about three tablespoons of sour cream and four ounces of cream cheese.  You can choose to omit this step, if you wish.  I think it thickens the sauce and makes it a little richer-tasting.

I attempted to make a video as to how the texture should look.  The background noise is E playing Far Cry 3.  I hope this helps a little bit...

From here, I turn the fire low and let the sauce blend together for about ten to fifteen minutes.  Next I add Tony Chachere's.  I used to use the powdered crawfish boil, believe it or not.  It gave it a nice spicy kick.  But each time the sauce would come out too salty and honestly would be ruined.  From trial and error, I learned that the Tony's is the best bet.  USE A LITTLE AT A TIME!  REMEMBER, ONCE IT'S TOO SALTY, IT WON'T COME OUT RIGHT!  Use caution as well with the seasoning because keep in mind, the crawfish you're using will have some spice, salt, and other natural flavors.

Let it cook together for another five minutes and then add the crawfish, the true gem of the recipe.  ALWAYS USE CRAWFISH FROM A BOIL.  The stuff you buy in the store WILL NOT CUT IT!  It will not have the natural flavors and goodness that the crawfish from the boil has.  Again, use to your liking.  I probably have about five pounds in this batch.

 

Make sure your fire is still low and let it go for another five to ten minutes.  THEN IT'S DONE!

Take your pasta and GRADUALLY add it to the sauce mix.  Blend well and E-N-J-O-Y!

I apologize for the messy stove.  I am a bit ornery about having a clean stove before I cook.  I promise you, I cleaned it before I cooked.  I am a messy stirer and a messy cook. 

And there you have it!  I usually don't compliment myself, but I think this was probably the best one I've cooked to date.  :)

Comment if you have any questions.  I'll be more than happy to answer them.  I'm also open to suggestions as well.  Looking forward to hearing from you!


Alane

A NOT-SO-HAPPY Father's Day

I procrastinated enough about this post.  I hesitated writing it, thinking that maybe...somehow...the words wouldn't come out right.  It's got to be said.

I TRULY DESPISE FATHER'S DAY.

Granted, Emmett is a great dad to Abigail.  He also has a pretty cool dad.  I, myself, have a "new daddy" who goes above and beyond to make an ass of himself to give someone else a laugh.  Not to mention, there ARE great dads out there who go the extra mile for their families.  But I can't help myself... I feel angry, jealous, and hostile towards those families because of that.  Both of my grandfathers died before I was born.  And I'm (unfortunately) not very close to either side of my mom's and dad's family.

My dad was a shitty dad.  Blunt, I know.  It is what it is though.  He didn't work hard.  He did what he had to do to barely make it by.  He didn't try to better himself.  He was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive towards my mom, my siblings, and me.  He made broken promises.  He was self-centered.  He was a drunk.  He put us down when we were up.  He kicked us when we were down.  He was a man pig who thought that a woman's place was in the home and not in the workplace.  He didn't encourage us to better ourselves.  He thought he was better than everyone.  He wasn't the dad that my siblings and I deserved.  And for that, I have trouble respecting and forgiving him.

He died suddenly in 2003 from heart disease and cirrhosis of the liver about a month after I started college.  I'm not gonna lie--it was traumatic, confusing, and hurtful.  I was 18 years old and had just lost a parent.  This man, who made our family completely dependent on him, wasn't alive anymore and left us all in shock.  My poor mom saw him right before he passed.  She was a wreck for the longest time.  She couldn't eat, sleep, and could barely function.  I stepped up... I cooked, cleaned, took care of my brother and sister, and helped to make sure the bills got paid.  As hard as it was going through it all... his death seemed like a huge weight was lifted off our shoulders.  NO ONE could intimidate us, hurt us, or hold us down any longer.  But it was frightening at the same time.  We had to learn to make decisions for ourselves.

I get angry, frustrated, and sad at the same time around Father's Day.  I resent the fact that my dad wasn't a better dad and that everyone else seems so happy and appreciative of their fathers.  I'M NOT.  And as much of an ass as my dad was, I still wish he would've been a better dad.  I think deep down, he did love us, but was mentally and physically ill and that prevented him from showing us that he loved us.  He's been dead for going on ten years now.  I know I should let the past go, forgive him, let him be dead peacefully, and just talk about the good that he did.  But that's just it--I DON'T SEE the good he did.  All I know is how bad he hurt us.  Maybe I should forgive... one thing I won't do is forget.

So go ahead and appreciate your fathers.  Deep down, I am happy that you have that.  Forgive me if I seem hostile and laugh at me if you wish; tell me I'm having daddy issues.  I'll live.  I'm learning to appreciate the men that are in my life.  Just give me time.

Alane

When Mommy hugs and kisses don't always work

I don't even know where to begin.  My heart is at a standstill.  It feels broken and lost.

Yesterday, I took Abigail to Children's Hospital for an appointment with her ear, nose, & throat doctor.

I'll give you some background as to why we were there... as a toddler, she had tubes put in her ears.  She complained of pain in her ear from time to time, but I hadn't gave it much thought.  I noticed, however, that she seemed to have trouble hearing.  I casually mentioned this to her pediatrician and that's when she showed me how large the hole in her ear drum was, most likely from when her tubes fell out and it didn't heal.  Last year, she had surgery to repair a large hole in her left ear drum.  The doctor did warn me that the hole was so large (it was 80% of her ear drum) that I shouldn't be surprised if the surgery has to be done again to fix it.  That's why we were at Children's yesterday.

She does have to have the surgery again.  The hole is nowhere near as large as it was last year, but it's big enough that it will cause problems if something isn't done.  They did a hearing test on her and while she still does have some hearing loss, it is a huge improvement from last year.  This time around though, it will be a quicker healing process and recovery period.  It just depends on how SHE feels afterwards.

I knew to expect this to happen again.  No one wants to see his or her child go through surgery, no matter how minor, simple, or uncomplicated it may be.  Sure, it is for the doctor, but I truly feel it's never easy for the parents.  For me, it's knowing that she will be in pain and will be scared and I won't be there to comfort her.  I know as soon as she's in recovery they will let me see her.  But for that short period of time that's after surgery but before they allow the parents in, I know she's terrified.  She knows she's having surgery.  But she's scared.  And she will be surrounded by strangers.  She will scream, cry, and wonder why her mom isn't there.  I'll explain to her why they don't let parents in right away, but it's not reassuring.  For her OR for me.

When she had the surgery last year, she cried for a solid hour.  She was terrified.  I can't think of any other way to describe it.  All she could do was scream, "Mommy!  My ear hurts!".  It felt as though no matter what I did, NOTHING comforted her.  Ms. Julie (Emmett's mom) came with me that day and THANK GOD SHE DID.  Abigail was crying.  I was crying because she was crying.  The nurses told me that it was the anesthesia that was making her upset.  I think that may have been part of the problem, but I knew it was more than that.   Ms. Julie told me to walk downstairs and grab a couple drinks.  I didn't want to leave my baby--not while she was as hysterical as she was.  Reluctantly, I did.  I came back to see a completely different child.  She was smiling, happy, and drawing in her coloring book.  I was stumped.  What in the hell happened?  Ms. Julie told me that as soon as I walked out of the room, Abigail was fine.  I don't even know how to explain it... and I felt even worse.  Was I the reason she was crying so much?  I asked Abigail a couple days later why she had cried so much, whether it was because she was in pain or she was scared and you know what she told me?  She didn't even remember crying at all.  To this day, I'm baffled by it.

On to yesterday's visit...
Dr. J (that's what they all call her for short) did an excellent job at reassuring Abigail that everything was going to be okay and that she was going to take excellent care of her.  This doctor and her staff are remarkable.  They are so soft-spoken, empathetic, and caring.  I did everything I could to reassure her everything was going to be okay.  She asked the doctor the most heart-wrenching thing she's every asked anybody,  "Why do I have so many things wrong with me?  I mean, I have this stupid birthmark that made me sick a lot when I was a baby.  People ask me all the time what's wrong with me.  And now I have to have a second surgery on my ear and all I know is that it hurts really bad and I'll have to take ear drops every day.  They're so nasty and I hate how I can taste them."

I FROZE.

The doctor tried to reassure her that nothing was wrong with HER, and that many kids go through the same thing that she will be doing.  I knew better.  How many kids do YOU know that have been through chemotherapy TWICE?  I know I don't know many.  How many kids get picked on because of the way their bodies look?

I still don't know what to think or say.  On the ride home, I talked to her and tried to figure out why she feels the way she does.  You know what she told me?  "You just wouldn't understand, Mom."  I sure would try to, but she's right.  I've been there every step of the way with her, but I haven't been the one to actually go through it all.  It hurts because I feel like I'm not doing my job as a mom to comfort her...to protect her...to reassure her...to make sure everything's alright.  But then I have to pull myself together and realize also, that I can't be with her every single moment of every single day.  I can't be in control of her life all the time.  AND I HATE IT.

I found something she drew after her surgery; it was a little girl saying I HATE MY MOM.  I never asked her about it; one, because it broke my heart, and two, because I know it's okay for her to be angry at me from time to time and to have a healthy way of expressing the anger.  Deep down, I think it was because I was the one to take her to the doctor and to the hospital.  I was the one who signed the papers for her to have the surgery.  She felt as though I was the one putting her through this.

For some people, all they need is a hug and a kiss to make them feel better.  When it comes to my baby girl, it hurts that a hug and kiss sometimes just isn't enough.  I was grateful I took the day off yesterday and spent it with her.  I took her for ice cream and we went swimming after the appointment yesterday and her smile was priceless.  It's not often I have the opportunity to have quality time with her like yesterday.  It was great for a moment to forget about everything and to be grateful to have each other.  I'm still stunned, sad, and frustrated at the fact that my baby feels the way she does.  Even if they might not help, she will get all the hugs and kisses this mommy can possibly give her.

It's amazing how you can read something and it will hit you so hard... as if you couldn't have said it better yourself.

Alane

Procrastination...AT MY BEST!

First and foremost, I must profusely apologize for my lack of posts.  I convince myself that it'll get done when I get home from work and SOMETHING always comes up and it doesn't get done.  I graduated three weeks ago and what have I been doing since then?  Nothing constructive, I will assure you!  I'm disappointed in myself for not accomplishing anything since I've been out of school.  Here's my day in a nutshell: I drop off Abigail at camp, I go to work, pick her up from camp, come home, cook, clean, bathe, go to bed, and do it all again the next day.  I promised myself I was going to start working out on a regular basis because my ten year high school reunion is in October and I want to look good.  I was VERY DISAPPOINTED with how my graduation pictures came out... it made me realize how out of shape I really am.  Once I do start exercising, I WILL keep updates for sure!

While I'm talking about graduation...it was definitely an amazing experience.  I didn't think I would be nearly as nervous as I was, either.  The baccalaureate mass was at school the day before graduation.  It was awkward going to school wearing the cap and gown.  Wasn't easy to drive with it on, let me assure you!  I could turn my head JUST A LITTLE while driving and that made me nervous.  I felt like someone balancing books on my head wearing the cap.  The gown made me feel as though I was wearing a mu mu.  Everyone I talked to said the same thing as well, so it made me feel better.  The mass was wonderful and beautiful.  I was happy my mom, brother, and Abigail came too.  :)  I think they were more excited because there was was a reception with cake and punch; my family has an insatiable sweet tooth!

I wanted Abigail to take a picture with me, but as usual, she was being stubborn and refused to take a picture.  My brother, Kenny, was willing (as always) to pose with me.

 

 Then came graduation day.  I don't remember the last time I was so nervous and excited at the same time!  I woke up at 6:30 in the morning to start getting ready.  I know The Times Picayune (our local newspaper) publishes the list of graduates every year and I was anxious to see my name in the newspaper.  I guess you could say felt a sense of foreshadowing... I had been having dreams that I would be forgotten in the newspaper or at graduation.  I wrote them off as nervousness and didn't think anything of it, but when I looked in the newspaper, my name was not there.  MY HEART SANK.  I instantly started crying.  I felt as though my worst nightmare was coming true.  Maybe this had been all a dream...  Did I make up the fact that I was graduating?  I was just crushed.  I emailed my adviser and told her what  happened and she assured me that it would be taken care of, and not to worry.  But...how could I not?  I felt left out.  Unimportant.  So belittled.  I realized I had to pull myself together because this was NOT the day to be an emotional wreck.  It hurt, but I wasn't going to let anybody know it.

Here's the link with the corrections--it turns out, it wasn't just MY name that was left out!  Someone else's name was left out too!

Is it wrong of me to feel hostile towards them for the error?

Anyway, I left my house at quarter to 8 to get my hair done by my FANTASTIC & AWESOME hair stylist, Brittany.  She's even more awesome in my book because she came in ON A SUNDAY to do my hair.  In less than an hour, she made my straight-as-a-board hair into something that hadn't been accomplished before--CURLS!  Anytime I (or anyone else, for the matter) try to curl my hair, it falls flat within thirty minutes.  NOT THIS TIME!

Again, SHE IS AWESOME!  If you're ever in Belle Chasse, go see her at Salon Jolie!  :)

Before too long, it was time for me to leave to go to the Alario Center for graduation.  I was pretty sure I knew where the place was, but I had never been there before so I wasn't 100% sure.  I didn't think to look online for directions until AFTER I left.  Mom to the rescue!  She gave me excellent directions and I found the place with no problems.

Waiting for graduation was so nerve racking.  I didn't know many people that were graduating, so I kept to myself until it was time to line up.  I was actually SHAKING!  THIS WAS IT!  THE MOMENT I WORKED SO FAR FOR HAD FINALLY COME!  The graduation itself was the quickest one I'd ever been to--less than two hours!  After graduation came time for pictures, and I must confess, it felt weird having Ari, Netty (my sisters), and E taking pictures of me.  I'm not used to having anyone make a big fuss over me!

 Mom and I

 Kenny and I

 The piece de la resistance!

 My older sister Netty and I

 My absolute favorite picture of the day!  Us in our element!

 E, Abigail, and I.  And of course, she didn't want her picture taken!

 My younger sister Ari and I

But I talked her into smiling for this one!

The rest of the day was pretty laid back.  I had asked E to barbeque some chicken for me and I made some macaroni and cheese.  My family and E's family came by for dinner.  Ms. Julie (E's mom and my partner in crime) made some AWESOME bread pudding and Mom brought my favorite--CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE CAKE!  I wish I would've taken some pictures but I was too busy stuffing my face to do so!

Since graduation, I really haven't been up to much.  Abigail's dance revue is in a couple weeks so we have been practicing, taking pictures, and all that good stuff.  This is her fifth year of dancing and I love how much she really enjoys it.  I hope it's something she'll keep up with.

This costume is for the jazz dance.  They are dancing to "Cover Girl", by Rupaul

And really...that's about it.  I'm sorry I haven't been diligent about updates or anything.  I get distracted easily and just sometimes...I forget.

One thing I want to add is that I've changed my name on Instagram (FOR GOOD, THIS TIME!).  Here's the link:  http://instagram.com/alane_of_traffic#

I like to end each post with a little something that applies to how I'm feeling at the moment.  This one is DEFINITELY appropriate!  :)

I'm not a LOTR fan, but I LOVE this quote!

Alane